Thursday, April 02, 2009

Martha, you balabusta!

Getting ready for Passover can bring out the Martha Stewart in all of us. My friend Eleanor commented that she could imagine a Martha Stewart seder, which got me thinking. I use as my model that timeless classic, the Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar, for... the Martha Steinberg (you know she changed her name, right?) Passover 2009 planner:

March 30
Make guest list for seder. Peter Bacanovic is so not invited. Hand-write invitations (calligraphy with goose quill, of course) and mail.

March 31
Hire Union for Reform Judaism’s head rabbi to write personalized haggadah from scratch, omitting all references to slaves or lack of freedom (reminds me of that little prison stint -- thanks a lot, Peter!)

April 1
Finalize seder dinner menu. Decide between Argentine beef tenderloin (brisket? as if!) with port/beach plum reduction, or sun-dried tomato and garlic-crusted roast leg of lamb with tarragon-mint butter. Oh, and matzoh.

April 2
Harvest wheat from my organic farm; grind flour for my home-made shmura matzoh with Evian water. Bring in a rabbi; slip him a couple of benjamins to make sure I get that "strict rabbinical supervision" certification.

April 3
Bring in hazmat firm for annual chametz decontamination mission.

April 4
Buy lamb from local farm. Slaughter with bare hands; boil and dissect to obtain shank bone for seder plate. Save liquid to use for stock in lamb, fenugreek and fava bean soup for future TV episode.

April 5
Make my tasty charoset: Calville Rouge d'Automne apples, raw palmetto honey, American Eastern Black Walnuts, and three teaspoons of Ch√Ęteauneuf-du-Pape '89 (Manischevitz in my house? Surely you jest!)

April 6
Make tasty gourmet gefilte fish... oh never mind. Who am I kidding?

April 7
Craft a hand-dipped scented candle (yes, craft can be a verb, you sillies!). Pluck feather from one of my free-range chickens. Hand-carve a spoon from olive wood. Spray-paint one of my paper bags. Use all of the above for bedikat chametz (ritual search for any crumbs of chametz those lazy bastards in white suits might have missed). Then start fire with L.L. Bean fatwood kindling and imported mesquite logs; burn chametz.

April 8 (morning)
Manually extract egg from one of my free-range chickens and boil in leftover Evian water. Stencil shell with scenes from the life of Moses. Then select and pluck only the most perfect sprigs of parsley from my organic garden (set fire to the rest -- it's just not good enough). Arrange prettily on seder plate.

April 8 (afternoon)
Cook seven-course dinner in 18 minutes flat.

April 8 (evening)
Begin seder. Drink four glasses of that scrumptious Ch√Ęteauneuf-du-Pape '89. Get a teeny bit tipsy and try to hot-glue my hand-woven napkin to my neighbor’s lap.

April 9
Attend second seder at the Moskowitzes. Refrain from remarking that her green tablecloth is not quite the same shade as the karpas.

April 10
Make delicious kosher-for-Passover orzo with cannellini, herbed sausage, escarole and feta (rabbi from April 2 says it's A-OK!).

April 11
Start planning Shavuot festival with sprightly giving-of-Commandments theme and my fabulous dairy recipes, including Stilton cheesecake with rhubarb compote, and pear and ricotta blintzes with spiced maple-butter sauce.

April 12
Hire white-shoe New York law firm to defend myself against plagiarism suit by


Karen Olson said...

This totally cracked me up.

tessa said...

alice.You have outdone yourself.
next Year in connecticut!


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