Do the Yak

We gather here today in memory of the departed innocents -- the kiwi and strawberries who gave their lives and were shamelessly mutilated and had their corpses displayed in vulgar fashion atop a burial mound made of Cool Whip. We will now pour cheap brandy over the whole mess and use the candles to set it on fire in the Hindu funereal tradition. As an added bonus, recently widowed Hindu women who make this dish may wish to participate more fully by committing sati . I myself might feel the urge after seeing my guests' faces after serving this vat of gooey white wonder.

Have you seen those commercials for twin recliners that also have cupholders , coolers and reading lights? We always joke that if they just came with a Foley catheter attachment, the lazy slob would never have to get up. Well, this guy did it one better -- a motorized recliner for zipping over to the local bar for a beer or nine. Except he got arrested for drunk driving. * * * A few weeks ago, we were tripping and sliding over all the acorns in our yard (apparently there's a bumper crop of them this year), and foolishly I told the kids within earshot of Ben that Native Americans used to somehow grind them up and make acorn flour. This sent Ben hustling to the Internets, where he actually found a website explaining at length just how to go about doing this . And he gathered a bunch of acorns. A-a-a-and... he made acorn flour. I didn't think this was possible, but it had an even higher ratio of required labor to outcome quality than the Indian cutlet fiasco. In a nutshell ...

A nother rectilinear loaf, but this time it's unpolluted by other objects in the matrix -- it's pure, 100% Grade A horseshit. And yes, it IS possible to make liver look even more unappetizing than it really is. Thank God there's some comic relief from the big orange wood shavings and the little nuclear bombs made from radishes. Lost your appetite yet? Fortunately, even the Weight Watchers folks can't fuck up saltines and melba toast, or the plastic parsley. Better yet, steal the silver knife and trade it for a couple of pizzas.

Before we contemplate The Molds, please do check out James Likek's comprehensive and hilarious collection of Regrettable Foods . I particularly enjoy Meat! Meat! Meat! Part 2 and Bran Plus for Minus People . There is apparently nothing you can't transform into a smooth, shiny, hideously unattractive foodstuff with a mold. Semispherical, rectilinear or any shape you care to imagine. Note the smooth and glistening semitransluscent Jello-O, which shows off the unidentifiable chunks lurking within. (*Urp* I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.) Or... the unidentifiable food-things could be arrayed decoratively on top, in the case of the calcified block of scrambled eggs. Very festive, those Christmas-themed slime worms. It makes you want to STAB IT WITH THEY STEELY KNIVES! Or silver cake server, maybe.

I have so many questions about the top image. Like, what is that barfy orange stuff held by Little Clam in back? And what's with the Magic 8-Ball in bondage? Oh, and what the hell is that mess nestling in the gaping maw of Big Clam? Seafood Garden Salad, you say? No... seafood is not found in a garden. Raw onions and peppers do not live side by side with creatures from the ocean; they much prefer dry land. And don't think this shotgun marriage is gonna work just because you're bringing them together in matrimony with Thousand Island dressing (ah, the barfy orange stuff 's identity is revealed). See, Thousand Island dressing has nothing to do with islands or the ocean; it's called that because of all the specks of chopped-up pickle you see in a matrix of ketchup and mayonnaise. But that's an abomination for a different day. Let's turn to the lower photo, where we see... hmmm... is it rancid moo-shi pork combined with mushrooms that are way past their expir...

Today begins a five-part feature inspired by Candyboots' Weight Watchers recipe cards from 1974 -- an all-time classic that every living human should have bookmarked. My mother-in-law had a Weight Watchers cookbook in her house, published in around the same time. This collection doesn't have quite the level of unintentional humor and ghastliness of the 1974 versions; I could find only five that really merited highlighting, but anyway, here goes... Falafel was obviously still exotic back then -- in fact, people were obviously in the dark as to what it even ought to even look like (and as to the flavor, I dare not speculate). Scabby and scrofulous pita bread... and why are these falafel pieces so perfectly spherical? Did they use a melon baller? (Looks like they got it backwards; the falafel is supposed to be sort of lumpy and irregular, not the pita bread.) But the worst part is their disturbingly smooth, cracked and dry appearance. I hope to God that off-white goop in the ...

Last week we were doing our usual last-minute mulling on who we could invite for dinner. We settled on some people and Ben invited the guy, who tentatively accepted pending his social secretary's approval. Then we mulled over what to make. Ben suggested Indian food, so I told him where to find the cookbook. He found a recipe that sounded good and went off to buy the few ingredients we didn't have. I got home a bit after six and found things not quite as far along as I'd hoped, though fortunately (and I really mean FORTUNATELY as you'll soon see), our friends couldn't make it for dinner after all. The thing is, this recipe turned out to be one of the most time- and labor-intensive recipes I'd ever made. Which might have been OK if it had turned out sublimely, or even pretty tastily, but this... this mess was basically inedible. It was actually three recipes, which obviously accounted for the time factor: spiced meat (tasty enough in itself) and mint-coriander s...