Friday, March 23, 2007

Snappy comebacks

Just had the stitches removed from my gum after oral surgery two weeks ago. Another new midlife experience! My recommendation? Avoid it if at all possible. And if not possible, be ready with a snappy reply as to why your fat upper lip makes you look like a camel and you have bruises in various places on your face. My options were (a) "I was going to have oral surgery, but I got into a fight with the periodontist about the price and she slugged me," or (b) Ben and I have a very dynamic marriage. We had a frank exchange of views the other day..."

Speaking of snappy comebacks, I came up with another one out of nowhere a few weeks ago -- no pause or conscious thought, just pure instinct. The scene: I was with the kids trying to park at the large but overcrowded local library. After cruising the parking lot to no avail, I saw a parallel-parking spot, so I went past it and braked preparatory to backing in. So the car behind me honked ONE MILLISECOND after I applied my brakes. I was so mad I rolled down the window and gave her the finger. The kids didn't see the gesture; they only asked "why did you open your window?" And THEN, when we were walking to the building, the driver, a well-manicured 50-ish suburban type, caught up to me and tried to guilt-trip me with sarcasm. Me! The poor bitch didn't know who she was up against. She said, "Isn't it lovely living in [expensive suburb] where drivers give you the finger?" And without a second of hesitation I replied coolly, "Yeah, and where people honk at you just for applying your brakes. Don't you HATE that?" I love a good smackdown where no fists or even voices are raised.

House update: interior walls are all in and mostly plastered. The gas has been turned on. Next up: painting and door installation. And don't get me started on picking paint colors. I'm so chromatically retarded that the best I can do is say "I like that color" or "I don't like it" without being able to say why, or to suggest a color I WOULD like. So it's all shades of white and cream. Whatever. At least we got to play with another fun web site (just click on one of their sample rooms and you get an infinite number of imaginatively named color swatches to choose from). But we're psyched to move to Leafy Suburb. I felt real progress when I mailed in the form and birth certificate to register for kindergarten next year. Yessirree. Except I supplied the info and birth certificate for Sarah rather than Becky. The school officials must be wondering what kind of ditzbag they're letting into town.

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