Monday, September 07, 2009

See food. Avert eyes.


I have so many questions about the top image. Like, what is that barfy orange stuff held by Little Clam in back? And what's with the Magic 8-Ball in bondage? Oh, and what the hell is that mess nestling in the gaping maw of Big Clam? Seafood Garden Salad, you say? No... seafood is not found in a garden. Raw onions and peppers do not live side by side with creatures from the ocean; they much prefer dry land. And don't think this shotgun marriage is gonna work just because you're bringing them together in matrimony with Thousand Island dressing (ah, the barfy orange stuff 's identity is revealed). See, Thousand Island dressing has nothing to do with islands or the ocean; it's called that because of all the specks of chopped-up pickle you see in a matrix of ketchup and mayonnaise. But that's an abomination for a different day.

Let's turn to the lower photo, where we see... hmmm... is it rancid moo-shi pork combined with mushrooms that are way past their expiration date? Or it is simply something the dog brought up? No -- even worse -- it's... Mussels-Rice Casserole! Yum! Complete with its own hyphen and icky plastic parsley! If I'm the guest at this dinner party, I'm suddenly remembering an urgent appointment to vacuum the shower curtain. Christ, if it comes from the sea, throw it back!

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